Coda
by emcey squared
Summary: Post 2x04; pre-Topher/Paul; Really, it was all Adelle's fault. If she hadn't cupped his face the way she had or spoken with such sincerity as she described him as being a man without morals...


Disclaimer – I don't own _**Dollhouse**_.

Teaser – Really, it was all Adelle's fault. If she hadn't cupped his face the way she had or spoken with such sincerity as she described him as being a man without morals... then maybe he wouldn't feel responsible for the murder of a rapist. In a building full of people without memories – without pasts – all Topher really wanted was to forget...

Info – 2x04 tag

Pairing – pre-Topher/Paul

_**Coda**_

Alone in the bathroom in the hall by his office, Topher scrubbed at his hands.

It had been hours since Sierra got wiped and returned to her happy little world of holding hands with Victor. She woke up from the nightmare without ever having to worry about regaining the memory of killing that... man.

But Topher didn't have that luxury. He remembered every second of draining the corpse, cutting up the body into pieces, letting it all disappear... every excruciating second in which the only reason he hadn't gotten sick was because part of him couldn't believe that it wasn't a nightmare. But it wasn't a nightmare. He'd been covered in blood and sweat by the end of it and the memories wouldn't ever go away no matter how much he wished...

Really, it was all Adelle's fault. If she hadn't cupped his face the way she had or spoken with such sincerity as she described him as being a man without morals... then maybe he wouldn't feel responsible for the murder of a rapist. In a building full of people without memories – without pasts – all Topher really wanted was to forget...

That was the irony, after all. The technology that could make the memories disappear was right in front of him and he couldn't use it.

Adelle knew what happened. She had to. Boyd wouldn't have told her... but she likely knew all the same. That was just the way she operated.

His hands were more than clean by now, but Topher couldn't stop scrubbing. He would see a flash of red on them, his mind playing tricks on him, every time he was about to stop. By now the skin on his hands was pink and raw, but he couldn't stop.

What made it all worse was that he'd do it all again in a heartbeat. Sending Sierra – Priya – to that man... who used Topher, the Dollhouse, to rape a woman who'd refused him... there was simply no other alternative. He couldn't send her in there as some pliant... toy for a pathetic bastard who didn't understand the meaning of the word 'no.' Priya hadn't agreed to the Dollhouse, but she _was_ here and she deserved better than that. They'd already failed her with Hearn... Topher wasn't about to let her down because Nolan thought he could get away with blackmailing the Dollhouse.

Thank god for Boyd. Despite all the disturbing trauma of the night, and the fact that most of that disturbing trauma happened on Boyd's orders, the man had managed to put things right... well, as right as things got around this place anymore. Before Boyd had showed up, Topher had been willing to throw his life and career away in what would have amounted to a pathetic attempt to outrun the Dollhouse with Priya. He had no idea how to go about being a fugitive, though, and would likely have been issued a one-way ticket to the attic if Boyd hadn't known how to clean up the mess.

It was just... Topher really wanted to turn off the water, but his hands didn't feel clean. He doubted he'd ever really feel clean again.

"You've been at that for at least five minutes, Topher," Paul said, his voice lilting as he spoke. The ex-FBI agent's voice always sounded like he was a little amused, but now there was worry, too. "What's gives? I didn't take you for being a germiphobe; your office doesn't have enough antiseptic for that to be the problem."

Jerking his hands out of the water in surprise, Topher shut off the tap and braced his hands against the side of the sink as he forced his body not to shake. He hadn't shut the door when he'd rushed in to wash his hands; he'd assumed it was late enough that no one would be out to bother him. An ex-FBI insomniac wandering the building wasn't something he'd considered. "I'm not..." he trailed off, not sure what to say.

Figuring that Ballard would probably just dismiss the whole thing as him being weird, Topher changed the subject. "Did you hear about what happened with Sierra?"

"Yeah... after the fact," Paul answered. Topher could see him in the mirror over the sink, eying Topher with a curious stare. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Topher turned around and smiled brightly. "Just peachy." The new handler looked anything but reassured.

"I was a little surprised that Dewitt would go along with something like giving away one of her Dolls. She's rather protective of her Actives when it comes to certain jobs." Paul observed.

Shrugging, Topher felt a little nauseous at the memory of how Adelle had been forced to cave. Her words echoed in the back of his mind.

_You have no morals._

If just about anyone else had said that to him, Topher could have shrugged it off as that person taking out their own self-loathing on him, but with Dewitt... with Adelle, Topher could never tell what she meant seriously and what she didn't. So maybe she didn't really think he was a horrible, amoral monster. Or maybe she did.

"She wasn't given a choice," Topher said, knowing just how hollow his words sounded. This was a terrible choice of new topics. He really should have picked something else... like the weather or how Echo was doing. Ballard really liked talking about Echo, right? "Nolan wanted Priya no matter what it took and he backed her into a corner," Topher added. "But everything turned out okay, right? After all, we got Sierra back."

"Who's Priya?"

Topher froze. "Did I say Priya?"

"Yeah."

"Sh-she..." Topher felt a rush of cold through his body and then he whirled around, dropping to his knees in front of the toilet, and threw up. All he could think was just how terrible he was at keeping secrets like this. Ballard was only just out of the FBI; he'd probably want to throw Topher in jail for what happened.

"Whoa... hey..." a comforting hand landed on Topher's back and began gently rubbing in a soothing, circular motion while an arm slid under his chest to support him as he pushed away from the toilet. "You're definitely not okay, Topher. I should go get Dr... uh... What's-His-Name, Saunder's replacement."

"No, no!" Panicky, Topher latched onto Paul and attempted to hold him in place. He only succeeded because the other man let him. "No doctors, okay? Please, I'm just... dinner didn't agree with me. I'll be fine."

"You skipped dinner, Topher." Ballard didn't miss a thing, did he? "Tell me what's really wrong." His hand on Topher's back kept running in that circular motion, relaxing Topher.

"I-I don't want to talk about it."

"Who's Priya?"

Topher was shaking, but he couldn't bring himself to pull away from Paul's comforting presence. "I-I can't talk about this," he muttered, ashamed to realize that tears were blurring his vision and that he was breaking down in front of the man who'd tasered him just weeks earlier.

"Was Priya the personality you imprinted Sierra with for Nolan?"

"Nolan wanted some girl who'd think that she loved him. So I imprinted Sierra with Priya... her real personality and memories and... when Priya came to us, we thought she was schizophrenic, but she wasn't. Nolan drugged her to make her seem that way. He used us to get her all because Priya didn't want him. She hated him." It was like the floodgates had opened. Topher couldn't make himself shut up. "But I finally figured it out. Only it was too late. Nolan backed Adelle into a corner. So I disobeyed orders and put Priya back where she belonged.

"I couldn't just..." Topher's stomach lurched and then he was right back over the toilet seat, dry heaving since he'd already emptied his stomach.

"Nolan's dead, isn't he?" Paul asked flatly, his hand stilling.

"He attacked Priya and she killed him," Topher agreed, sitting up again. "She called me... I gave her my number before she left in case she needed help getting away from him. I never thought...

"He was just lying on the ground and there was so much blood... Priya was so scared. I thought we'd have to run... and then Boyd was there and he knew how to make it all go away." Topher shifted so that he could pull his knees up to his chest. He felt so cold...

Paul's hand dropped away and Topher flinched. He knew it. Ballard thought that he was a horrible monster. But he was an amoral monster, right? That's what Adelle had been trying to tell him when she said he had no morals. The Dollhouse was the home of the broken and disillusioned, but he was the worst of them all because up until now... he'd been having fun, playing God of the Dollhouse.

Something warm and surprisingly soft dropped around his shoulders, making Topher look up in surprise. Paul had draped his jacket over Topher. The man then proceeded to put his arms around Topher and help him to his feet. "You're too cold and clammy," Paul said, his voice soft and soothing, the way someone might use when speaking to an injured animal. "Come on, Topher... it's gonna be okay..." Paul led Topher back to the sink. He kept muttering nonsense to the scientist.

It had to be nonsense, after all. Topher was party to murder. It was never going to be okay again.

Topher turned the sink on, gratefully using the water to rinse his mouth out and remove the acidic taste. All the while, Paul kept a hand on Topher's arm, running it up and down slowly.

Switching the water back off, Topher stood there for a long moment just watching Paul's face in the mirror. "It's not gonna be okay," he finally said. "I wish... I wish I could forget it all." Then he started laughing even though what he'd said was far from funny. Only... Topher was still crying and he couldn't stop the tears or the laughter, which had taken on a decidedly hysterical edge.

Paul pulled Topher around and held him tightly as he fell apart. Eventually the laughter stopped and they wound up at Topher's futon in the server room. He wasn't quite sure how they got there, but the familiar place was comforting.

Everyone, including Topher, had their own set of rooms at the Dollhouse for late nights when they didn't feel like going home. But Topher had always preferred to stay in the server room. The soft whir of the machines often lulled him to sleep when complex problems threatened to keep his mind from drifting off to sleep.

It wasn't enough now, though. Topher's eyes would shut and he'd see blood and the bathtub...

"Please don't leave me alone," Topher blurted out.

"I won't," Paul promised, still holding Topher as they sat down on the futon. Somehow, Paul maneuvered them under the covers and they lay there for a few moments in quiet, the only sound coming from the rustling of material as Paul kept up the soothing motion of his hand rubbing Topher's arm.

"When I first got here, it seemed like there was something a little broken in everyone working here... except you. You were this bright spot of innocence in all of this. You only ever seemed to see the good that could come from what the Actives do for others. And now..." Paul's hand froze for a few seconds as his grip on Topher's body tightened briefly. "That innocence has been ripped away and I'm sorry. I wish I could make it better for you."

"Dewitt said I have no morals," Topher said quietly, his voice so tiny and hoarse that he barely recognized it as his own.

"You don't consider the consequences of your actions, Topher. That's different from being amoral."

Topher didn't respond. Instead, he curled up against Paul's warm form and pretended to fall asleep.

It wasn't long before his pretense became reality.

-=-=-=

Paul ran his fingers through the sleeping scientist's soft hair. He'd meant what he'd said to Topher; the hyperactive man was truly the only non-Active innocent in all of this mess.

It was a historical fact that scientists often created things without considering the outcome. They'd create things with the best of intentions only to realize to late that they'd made a horrible weapon. In the past, scientists had experimented with things like radiation and shock therapy in an attempt to improve defects in people. They had good intentions, but had persevered even when it became visibly obvious they were doing harm.

What happened here at the Dollhouse was much the same, but with one difference. It was hard to see the harm that they were doing. Until now it had been hidden from Topher because the Actives were always smiling. But now he knew.

Tomorrow Topher would wake up and he'd still hurt from the loss of innocence, but he'd be stronger for it. To break Topher Brink it would take a lot more than this. Paul just hoped it would never go that far. If he were lucky, then the Dollhouses and Rossum Corporation would fall long before the man in his arms was shattered by their arrogance.

It might have been Caroline's face that drew Paul to the Dollhouse and Echo's plight that encouraged him to stay, but it was Topher that he now felt the intense need to save. Just like the Actives, Topher had made himself a captive of this place...

A/N – Just about any Topher/Paul interaction on the show makes me grin. What little screen time they get together always seems to click just right.

It's really seemed to me that, until episode 2x04, Topher didn't really understand just how easily the imprinting tech could be abused. He knew, in theory, that bad things could happen and that bad things had already happened, but he'd never had to face it and be a part of it himself. The thing with Alpha was a one-time screw up that wasn't actually his fault (though he does blame himself), but this was something else entirely.


End file.
